The Final Reason
by Skrumpf
Summary: Hannah Baker is dead, and the tapes have been heard by all except one. Who is Ethan Turner? Why is there another tape for him? What did Ethan do to Hannah that provoked her to make his tape? One day when Bryce's confession is released by Clay all over school, chaos takes hold. Can Ethan manage his relationships and school when he finally listens to his tape?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: My Story**

 **A/N: This might be a short story, or it might be a long one. I don't know but be prepared for long breaks between chapters. Exams are a day away and this has been a made in a short amount of hours so forgive me if the writing is terrible.**

 **Italics – Thoughts of the characters.**

 **Underline – Flashbacks**

 _ **X-X-X**_

 _Hi._

 _Yep, this is how I'm gonna start this._

 _My name is Ethan Turner, and I'm from Sheffield, England. I know, why is some plucky Brit talking about a set of tapes from a girl who killed herself? Allow me to answer that question with another question._

 _Why are you reading my damn journal?_

 _I'm the son of two special forces members. One of them was an SAS Operative (supposedly, I'm actually not allowed to know) and a member of BOPE, the Brazilian Special Forces (and again, I'm actually not allowed to know that) but they're still alive, I'm no orphan or whatever._

 _We actually lived in Brazil for a time, and then me and twin sister, Eleanor, were born. Although Mum and Dad were fine with living in Brazil because they were 'hard men' as I liked to call them, they wanted better for me and El' and I don't blame them. From where we lived, it was quite close to a lot of crime and Mum didn't want us following the road she took when we were her age._

 _They went into the private sector. It was to make money so we could move to America, that was all. It paid amazingly well and after a few months we were rolling in it. Mum was perfectly fine with moving and continuing to do it, it was the money that drew her in. Let's just say my dear mother wasn't always inclined on the right side of the law._

 _I think she got a kick out of it, it was like she was breaking the law again._

 _Dad was a bit of a pushover when it came to Mum but onsidering they were both Special Forces, there were times I'd walk into the kitchen and see the aftermaths of great wars between the both of them. Sometimes it wasn't just fighting they did in the kitchen as well._

 _Yep, I know exactly what you're thinking. It was exactly that. IN THE KITCHEN, WTF._

 _That's beside the point. When we got the money, we moved to California. There was nowhere else we'd rather go, Brazil was a no and Dad never really wanted to go back to England. America was the next best place._

 _Crestmont, this is where you come in._

 _At first, I thought everything would be fine. I moved when everyone that you already know was in the Sophomore class. Yep, I knew Hannah before Junior Class and before everything happened and yes, I can confirm that most of what happened in the tapes definitely happened._

 _I knew everyone. I was one of the so-often despised 'popular' guys. In other words, I was part of the Jock Squad. Believe me, I hated it myself._

 _That's what I don't like._

 _People. They're fickle as shit. One moment you're all great and loved by everyone and then one moment you're hated. Well, that is what we had to go through. At least, that's what me, Zach and Justin had to go through._

 _Yep, some of us did wrong. I'll never deny that, we all could have done something to help, to stop Hannah from doing what she did. I'll never forget when I heard it. It came over the loudspeaker, that Hannah Baker was absent, and soon everyone was called to the main hall, where Principal Bolan broke the news to us._

 _Some of us were crying, I know Eleanor was._

 _Some of us were silent and still as a statue, I know Clay was._

 _Some of us were straight-faced, but I could see a certain someone with a smirk hidden on his face. I know Bryce was._

 _But nobody else could see it, and that was the moment I realised that something was wrong in our school. Yeah, it should have been obvious before, considering everything that had happened before Hannah played her wrists like the fucking violin._

 _Yeah, I'm pissed as well. Not drunk, just angry because I was a part of this as well and I shouldn't have been. You might have heard the tapes, I know I have. Maybe Tony or Clay has made them public and everyone involved gets fucked. Justin, Zach, Sheri, Courtney, everyone will be ruined._

 _I can hear you saying it already. "But that means there would have to be a fourteenth tape!"_

 _There is, but nobody except me, Hannah and Tony have heard it._

 _Yes, I am part of this like I said before. We all were, and when I say 'we' I mean everyone in Liberty High, not just all fourteen people mentioned in the tapes. Every single one of us passed on and perpetuated the bag of lies that made Hannah Baker to be the slag of the school when that was anything but the truth._

 _I know who started it, with the picture. Justin and Bryce, I know because I was with them when it happened._

 _I know who made it worse, with Tyler's pictures. Courtney fucking Crimson, the lesbian or bisexual or whatever the fuck she is, turning everything around on Hannah so she could get rid of the shit on her back and fling it onto the most vulnerable person in the room._

 _Yeah, jeez, I am fucking angry._

 _Anyway, what was I doing listening to these tapes? Especially when I only needed one of the tapes. My own tape, segregated from all of the others, although it was of the same nature as Clay's._

 _I wasn't meant to be on there, but one stupid mistake and the house of cards came crumbling down and I heard the words from all the other tapes. The real voice of Hannah Baker, talking to me. I was the fourteenth reason why she killed herself and it soon made it's mark on me._

 _I helped kill Hannah Baker._

 _Everyone will know, eventually. Clay, I don't know what happened to him. He was always the quiet kid, shy and well-spoken. He had a crush on Hannah that was plain to see, and when she died it was like he was never the same boy that I knew him as. He talked to few, and confided in fewer. I am glad to be one of the few people he talked to._

 _Because he was someone who didn't stand by and watch it happen when he heard those tapes. He did everything they told him to. He listened, he went all over Crestmont with the map and he actually did a few things that the rest of us didn't do. Taking the picture of Tyler, and adding the other tape to the collection._

 _Clay Jensen, he's a brave guy, I'll give him that._

 _To be completely honest, I wish I had done something different. That I didn't make the mistake I made, the mistake that further pushed Hannah into killing herself. I know that now, it's too late to do anything because nothing will bring her back to life. I wish this had never happened, and I reckon that everyone else does too. Yet this wasn't all my fault, and Hannah was not the only person to suffer from our actions._

 _Jeff died, and Alex shot himself…_

 _How the hell are we meant to cope with shit like that? We're teenagers! We don't cope with shit well at all! Something happened that night at the party, and Jeff died. What did everyone do? They blamed Jeff, they blamed Jeff because he had some booze in his car and assumed he was drunk-driving. I went to his funeral, but barely anyone else did. I still visit him today, put flowers and well-wishes there, to give him some essence or semblance of peace in death._

 _I…_

 _I don't know how to feel about Alex Standall. He seemed to be a nice kid, but everyone seemed to fuck him over, at least not as bad as they do Tyler. Some of us panicked, and some of us got angry or sad or over-reacted in some way. I know Justin did, and it only got worse when he told Jessica what happened at the party. He was trying to protect her, but it was wrong how he did it. He let Bryce walk all over him._

 _I don't know how he did it, but Clay did something at school today. There were two tapes, my own tape and another one. A tape that Clay must have taken on his own and made._

 _There were two voices, Bryce and Clay. At the start it sounded like it was just Clay asking for some weed, he'd been caught with it before. Then he started asking about Jessica and Hannah, and with a few big words that Bryce didn't seem to understand, Bryce said it. Not directly of course, but he said it._

 _It didn't go so well after that. Bryce was shell-shocked, maybe even catatonic. The tapes were his kryptonite. His entire life was ruined, and Hannah had taken her revenge on the man who did his worst to her._

 _So, we'll start from there, shall we?_

 _ **X-X-X**_

I never exactly found out how it happened.

I was in Peer Communications, with the people you would expect. The anonymous notes were given out at the start and the end of the lesson, and occasionally I got a few myself. Usually they were from Sheri, she was the person I got along best with since me and Eleanor got to Crestmont. We were friends in school, but everyone assumed it was more.

Which was true, but we weren't going to make it public any time soon.

Justin was with Zach, and both seemed to be looking pretty glum. Marcus was working pretty hard, trying not to look as depressed as the other two. Courtney was working twice as hard as Marcus was, keeping up with her perfect school girl image. Jessica wasn't even in school that day, and it was understandable why she wasn't. Then there was me and Sheri, sitting together, just talking and generally not doing the work Miss Bradley set us.

 _I know, how rebellious of us both._

Clay was sitting in his seat, chewing on the tip of his pencil with a vengeance. He took the pencil and began to write down notes but he had a weird little look on his face, almost as if it were going to become some kind of impish little grin, like he had just gotten away with the heist of the century. Some of us noticed, some of us didn't but those who did saw the same look that I did.

Happiness, or at least some kind contentedness.

Then it happened. The tape blared over the school PA system for all to hear.

"You and Hannah, you had sex with her that night."

"Did I? Yeah, I might have."

There was an easy way to distinguish who's voices were playing over the PA system. Clay Jensen, who had continued to scribble down notes in his book as the rest of the tape played out. The other was Bryce Walker himself.

"Well, did she want you to?"

Bryce scoffed. "I assumed so. Hannah and I, well, she was a very special girl. We had a thing, off and on."

"You raped her."

"What?"

"You fucking raped her." 

Clay sounded so sure over the tapes, and it seemed Justin and Zach's eyes widened at the words spoke. They lifted their heads and the depressed look was gone, now aiming directly at Clay.

"Dude." Bryce started. "C'mon don't talk about what you don't know." 

"Why did you do it?" 

"Thank you for coming, now get the fuck out of my house."

"I'm not going till you admit it."

"Seriously Jensen..."

"Say what you did, say it."

"What the fuck kinda business is it of yours?"

"She was my friend!"

Hearing Clay shout over the tape was a shocker, to everyone in the class. Clay had continued working, but it looked like he was about to cry, his eyes were glossy and at any moment the tears would come falling down all over again.

"She's dead." 

"So what does it matter? Just say it!" 

"You need to calm the fuck down." Bryce threatened.

"No, what I need is for you to admit what you , right out there, a week before she fucking slit her wrists at home. You raped her!" Clay was not about to back down from the sounds of it.

"Listen, she came to my party." Bryce began again. "She got in the hot tub with me without a suit on. Right, she made eyes. I know that's hard for you to hear, that your little crush wasn't pure and clean, but she fucking wanted it."

There was an eerie silence, in both the PA system and in the classes. All eyes were on Jensen, who had finally put his pencil down and was simply sitting in silence and waiting for the tape to finally end once and for all.

Then there was the sound of fist hitting face.

It was Bryce that spoke first once again. "Now why did you have to do that?"

There was another small silence before the sounds of two punches and a crumpling sound could be heard over the tape. Everyone could remember the day where Clay came in looking like he'd gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.

Then there were a flurry of hits, before Bryce could be heard picking Clay up off the floor before punching what seemed to be a hundred times in the face when in reality it was more like five before Clay crumpled to the floor again. Bryce audibly growled and it could be heard too, and soon after the sound of Clay being kicked in the stomach and his wheezing as he lay wounded could be heard over the PA system too.

"She wanted me. Me, she was practically begging me to fuck her. If that's rape, then every girl at this school wants to be raped." Bryce taunted before his footsteps could be heard drowning out over the sound of Clay coughing up blood.

The tape there ended, and all eyes were on Clay as everyone sat in silence, sent into catatonia from the massive bombshell that had been dropped on every single person in the school. Sheri seemed to tighten the grip she had on my hand. My hand was cold, but the amount of heat Sheri gave off was almost unnatural. Zach and Justin had paled in comparison, as if the heating in Liberty High had failed completely and they were the victims of sub-zero temperatures.

Miss Bradley looked at Clay. "Was that you and Bryce Walker over the PA, Clay?"

Clay nodded in silence, refusing to say a word. Whispers started almost immediately before Miss Bradley shushed them all.

"I think it's best you go and see Principal Bolan and Councilor Porter, take your stuff and leave now." 

Clay nodded again before picking up his bag before taking his equipment and shoving them into his bag without any semblance of grace. As soon as she had left the room, the class erupted into white noise. I didn't really take in everything that everyone was saying, it was too much but some peoples voices were too much to just ignore.

 _Of course, Courtney was one of them, the bitch._

"I can't believe Clay did that, that's so bad!" She exclaimed.

The entire class groaned and muttered as Courtney spoke. The rumour had gone around the school, mainly because of Montgomery but others as well, that she was a lesbian had turned her into a mockery. Nobody saw her as the innocent and perfect school girl that got perfect grades any more. No, those days were long gone and they were never coming back.

"Shut the fuck up, Courtney! You've done worse before." Zach replied from across the room.

There were small cheers for the jock, Zach wasn't bad by any means but he was still one of the thirteen that got involved with Hannah. From what he had heard, in the deposition he had told the whole truth excluding the tapes. The more I thought about it, the more I worried about my own deposition appointment.

 _Fucking Alex told the court people that I was a close friend to Hannah and now I'm involved as well…_

"Really, Zach? You say I've done worse? What about you and Justin?" Courtney squealed across the class.

"Hey, Courtney, why don't you shut the fuck up. Maybe you can try and get on another girl, maybe Tyler will be kind enough to take another picture." Justin shot back.

I had to pull back a grin when Justin spoke. He was a decent enough guy when he wasn't involved in so much bad shit, like before Hannah committed suicide. He was kind, popular and a great basketball player but he had nothing on Zach.

Sheri seemed to hold a smirk on her face as well, and soon everything was how it would be in the middle of the corridor. Paper balls were thrown, work was ditched in favour of conversation and some of the boys were focusing more on the girls instead of actually doing work. Sheri placed her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes and somehow she had managed to relax in the classroom chaos that we had found ourselves in.

 _To be completely honest, I don't know how someone like me ended up with someone like Sheri. She was smart, beautiful, funny, and I didn't even know it was possible but I was in love. It was like a drug that I didn't want to stop taking, and every time I saw her it was like taking another dose of the greatest drug I ever knew._

 _I'm not even joking either, Sheri is my life._

I never saw Bryce after Peer Communications, and after class we had lunch before our last lesson, which was history. It was the same lesson as always, Coach Patrick fell asleep and left us all a tape or a DVD for us to watch. It was _The Deer Hunter,_ and it was a reward for the entire class getting an A in the test season a few months back.

I had no idea where the guy managed to find a copy of the whole thing, but it was entertaining when things were actually happening. It was like Peer Communications without the arguing and without the noise. Sheri was doing what she usually did when it came to me and her sitting next to me, she placed her head on my shoulder and her arm over my waist, and I could hear her peacefully snoozing away whilst I multi-tasked between watching the film, and checking my Instagram and Snapchat.

 _Yes, I have snapchat. It's a requirement for being a popular jock._

Eventually, the end of the day came and even the bell could not wake Coach Patrick up from the nap he was taking. The rest of the kids in class snuck past him to get out of the class, with me and Sheri being the last ones to leave. We went to the car park, and we got to my car.

The car is not exactly a mainstream one. I'd been taking notes from Tony Padilla and after looking at the beast he drove, I needed one similar or better than his.

It was a black 1970 Plymouth Barracude. It was pure muscle car, like Padilla's Mustang. As soon as I got in, I turned on the engine and it roared like some kind of majestic beast showing it's power. I looked out the window, and I could see Tony smirking as he drove off with Clay in his Ford Mustang.

Sheri got in too, and soon we were finally free of school for another day. It was easing as well as peaceful.

"So, I was wondering..." Sheri began.

"Wondering if I could come round to yours, again?" I finished with a wry grin.

Sheri punched me in the shoulder. "You wish, but for that little quip, I'll tell you tomorrow."

I drove her home and she gave me a little kiss before she got into her house. I drove back to my own house, where I lived with my parents and sister. It wasn't so much a house as it was a massive mansion on stilts in the hills looking over Crestmont.

As I got out, I placed my hand over the cheek which Sheru had kissed and I didn't even realise that I had a massive grin on my face.

Then I saw the tapes.

 _ **X-X-X**_

 _ **Please Remember to Review!**_

 _ **-The One Real Italian Stallion**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: My Tape**

 _Usually, I was a decent kind of person. I did well in the schools I was in, although me and Eleanor did tend to cause trouble from time to time but when it came to actually learning, we were a few of the best. She was the best at it, well, the academic part, and that's not to say that I wasn't either, but I was more inclined to the athletic pursuits._

 _Football and basketball were my sports of choice, and if it came to actually learning it was English Literature and History. Yeah, I like to read stuff as well as be active, it's not a hard thing to do._

 _Sometimes, I'd do well in some kind of obscure maths test from time to time but it was rare occurrence, kind of like Mum being home for Christmas or my birthdays. Dad was with us most of the time, although he did occasionally leave the state from time to time but it was only for a few short days._

 _My childhood wasn't completely terrible. Brazil was lovely when I wasn't being chased through the streets on a sunny Saturday afternoon. Not everywhere in Rio was nice, and it wasn't just Rio we lived in either. Sometime when I was just turning ten we moved to Manaus and a few years after that it was moving in the safest part of Sao Paulo._

 _Didn't stop some idiot from trying to break in and rob us, the poor sod._

 _I saw my first dead body at thirteen. The crook tried to break in and rob us blind, but he picked the wrong people to rob. At first, I heard a tumble down some stairs and went to check it out. There was blood everywhere, but it wasn't my dad's._

 _I heard a small groan from downstairs, and then there was the sound of fist hitting flesh. Grunts of pain and suffering could be heard, but nobody else was awake other than me and my dad. I slowly went downstairs and I could see Dad dealing with the burglar._

 _I could see the gun in his hand, it was Px4 Storm. It was small and compact, with a suppressor on the barrel. He didn't even hesitate when he shot the man. He dropped to the floor and didn't move. My stomach dropped, my father had just killed a man. Then he merely spoke to the police on the phone and they arrived almost immediately._

 _One of the officers saw me, and my dad was shocked. He'd realised he'd shot a man in cold blood right in front of his own son. As soon as the police had left and everything had been cleaned up, he sat me down on the couch and he sat right next to me. He explained to me that the man was in the house, and that he broke the law by doing so._

 _I wasn't stupid, I knew what I had heard and what I had saw. It was shouting before a scuffle and just as Dad was about to let him leave, the man swore at him and said he'd do it again. I knew a little Brazilian and I knew what he said. I knew Dad did what he did lawfully, and I never thought less of him for it._

 _But when I moved to America, and it was Hannah's funeral…_

 _It was different. I never cried, and I had never been to a funeral before. Nan and Grandad were still kicking around in Sheffield and we occasionally went there for a time. Still no one died when I was in my teenage years._

 _But when I saw Hannah for the first time, I cried. She was a friend, a close friend…_

 _ **X-X-X**_

I'd heard of the tapes, it was around the time Clay had gotten them. He was apparently, at least according to Sheri and Zach, the one who took the most time listening to them but it was to be expected from him. Even I knew that he had a crush on Hannah Baker, the entire school did in all honesty. It was obvious to see, but nobody knew why he never asked her out.

I didn't want to ask or force it on to him. We never really talked until it got to his tape.

He changed after that, Tony told me. He was being cryptic when it came to talking about Clay. He had a guilty look in his eye, even when he was looking at me. I had a feeling he was involved in the situation, but I never knew how. He asked me if I knew Clay and Hannah closely, but not really. It was a lie, I didn't want to get involved in the business with the tapes because I wasn't really involved in the whole ordeal.

Except I was, I just denied it because I couldn't face the fact that I was part of the reason a girl killed herself.

So, everyone reading my damn journal _(yep, even you right now)_ should realise how bloody horrifying this was for me.

I'd just got out of my car, the engine turning off gave me some kind of peace from the intense rumbling coming from the engine. It was one more day of the year gone, and I had no plans for the rest of the day other than to make some food and play some _Titanfall 2._ That was all I had wanted to do but the plan I had soon disappeared into nothingness.

I almost immediately noticed the bright red Mustang outside the house, and it wasn't hard to tell that it was Tony's. I had no clue why he was here, but it must have been to see Eleanor. Me and Tony never really talked much, just the occasional 'hello' and homework assignment was all. He was a nice guy. I began to walk up the little incline that led to the door to the house. As I took my keys I went up to the door and unlocked it, but I couldn't get inside until I saw what lay at my feet.

That was when I saw the tapes on my doorstep.

I grabbed my bag and ran to the door picking them up and looking at the box with my name on it in black felt ink. I opened the box that contained them and saw the dreaded tapes inside, the numbers of each tape painted in blue on the shells.

I'm being honest here, it terrified me. I had made myself content with having nothing to do with Hannah's suicide, but when I saw those tapes…

Well, let's just say that the contentedness went down the drain quicker than Usain Bolt in the 100 Metre Sprint.

I entered the stilted house and shouted out to any one who was inside. I did receive a few shouts from the housekeepers and the cooks but that wasn't it. I heard Eleanor shout from the living room and I went in to see her, unaware of who would also be in the living room with her.

Tony Padilla.

I knew he had something to do with it, but I never knew what it was. Yet, I always knew he'd be involved. My sister took the features of Mum, the darker skin and beautiful brown eyes and hair whilst I took the features of my dear old Dad. The pale skin and the black hair with the bright blue eyes made it look like me and my sister would never be even related if someone who didn't know us looked at us.

"Hey, Ethan. Tony came around, said he wanted to see how you were doing." Eleanor said, as she gazed at the TV with a bored expression spread on her face.

I nodded. "Oh?" I still held the box of tapes in my hand. "Where's Mum and Dad?"

"They've gone out. Cinema, apparently but I don't know completely. Look, can you guys go and talk in your room. I'm trying to watch this." 

I turned to see Kim Kardashian on the TV, and Tony pushed me out of the living room as soon as he could and I couldn't blame him. Neither he or myself could stand another second hearing about her obviously fake ass.

The good thing about having rich parents (other than having a classic muscle car) was that the house I lived in was bloody massive. I had almost an entire floor of the house to myself, which was pretty cool until the housekeepers come and screw the order of how I placed things.

That is to say they cleaned up the house and did their job.

Can't really blame them for that.

At one point, I did consider moving out. That idea went quickly when I realised Mum and Dad wouldn't have helped me. They saw the benefits of hard work more than I did, and I soon realised I'd be staying at home until I got a job or when I left for University. That's what I hoped for anyway.

Tony was quiet as we walked up to my room in the house and as soon as we got to my floor, both he and I looked at the walls which were painted baby blue and covered in various posters of movies, games and musicians and actors. It did feel rather exposing. I was letting this boy who I had never talked to deeply in my life look at the place where I considered it my safe place.

I doubt he really cared.

"You got a nice house, Ethan." Tony said.

"Thanks, you got a nice car."

Although the conversation was little and awkward, it was a lot better than nothing. Tony seemed nice, and I didn't mind the occasional small talk we would have in school from time to time. We finally got into my main room, and I offered a seat to him whilst I dropped my stuff near my desk where my gaming set up was.

I wasn't exactly prepared for the reason why Tony was here. I thought it was just for another homework task we had been set. Yeah, he was in the senior year but occasionally he'd help me with some stuff.

Yet, the reason he was here was not about the homework. It was about something else.

I twirled in my chair as I waited for one of us to start the conversation as to why he was here before I eventually gained the confidence to ask.

"How come you're here, Tony?"

"I wanted to make sure you and Sheri were alright. After what happened today, it's a hot topic." Tony replied.

"A hot topic? What do you mean? Bryce and Clay?" I asked.

"Not just that, but I think that's part of it." Tony began. "It's about Hannah. Hannah Baker." 

_Ah, yes, of course it was about Hannah friggin' Baker._

 _It always came back to her, every time something dramatic happened. Hannah Baker was the first thing to pop up. Was there drama between the jocks? It was because of Hannah Baker. Were some of the girls feeling shit? It was because of Hannah Baker._

 _Had Clay Jensen went through another mental breakdown in the middle of the school for the hundredth time in a row? It was probably because of Hannah Baker._

 _The reality of the fact was that Hannah Baker killed herself and it threw everyone a curveball. The jocks were covering their tracks and Bryce was acting like nothing had ever happened, like he always did. Now everyone thought he was a rapist and sexual offender. How the times have changed._

 _All because of a collection of tapes sent by a dead girl._

I was dazed out of my thoughts when Tony plucked the strings of one of my many guitars. He seemed to smile at the fact that I made my own music or played some good stuff. I shook my head and looked at the smaller boy.

"Hannah Baker? That's going back a little while, don't you think?"

"Don't act innocent, Ethan. You've got the tapes on the desk, you just put them there."

 _Of course, he'd bring up the tapes._

"What do you want, Tony?"

There was another silence, and the more I looked at the tapes, the more I realised they were here for a reason, and not a mistake.

"You know about Hannah and what she wanted when she did what she did. You must have heard from Sheri and Clay about the tapes." Tony was about to begin before I interrupted.

"Me and Clay aren't that friendly, Tony. Isn't he more of your friend?"

I knew I had a point, and I knew that Tony knew I had a point. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and the silence continued. "Yeah, he is." Tony said.

"So why aren't you with him?" I asked.

"Because Clay is going to do whatever Clay is going to do, and if I try and interrupt that, stuff happens that nobody wants to happen." Tony replied. "Like when he was touring the exchange students."

 _Yeah, because none of us are gonna forget the time where Clay was losing his mind and you thought trying to get him to be quiet was gonna do anything but make things worse? Good job, Tony._

"Look, I know we have the occasional chat about homework, but that's not why you're here. So stop pussyfooting around like my dear father would say and just tell me why you're here."

Tony took a big sigh and tried to hide his face by rubbing his forehead with his hand. I don't know why fate had decreed to give me the tapes, but from the moment that Tony had uttered the name of 'Hannah Baker' he had an idea of who had left the tapes at his door.

"Like I said, it's because of the tapes. Everyone's listened to them, all thirteen of them. Justin, Zach, Sheri, Jessica."

"Sheri was on the tapes?!"

"Shut up, man! You want your sister to find out about this? Now let me finish, goddamn it. Everyone has finished the tapes, except one person." As Tony finished, he looked at me.

I was to be the last one to hear them, which meant I had my own damn tape.

"I know everyone said there's been thirteen tapes, even Hannah said it. She kept one tape, secreted away by me because she asked me to." Tony pulled another tape, with a red '14' painted on it. "She asked me to keep yours out of the collection, but I never listened to it. I stopped after the thirteenth."

I took the tape from Tony and twirled it in my hand, my eyes never drifting from the painted '14' on one side of the tapes. It was just like all the others, this secret tape of mine, other than the red paint it looked pretty much identical. With every second that I looked at the tape, the memory of what I did with Hannah Baker became more and more vivid and soon I just could not help but not keep it out of my head.

 _Before Tony had given me Tape 14 I had pretty much buried_ _and tagged_ _what had happened as mere chance._ _It did not mean so much to me until what had happened happened. Apparently it meant so much more to Hannah, and now I regret it a lot more. Like I said, I had forgotten it. That was until Tony brought it up again._

"You ask why she wanted my tape hidden?" I asked again. _It was always me with the questions._

"She just said to me to keep it hidden until everything was said and done. I don't think she thought it would ever go this far, I doubt she even thought the tapes would get around but it seems they have."

I sighed, and he sighed right after. It was a depressing topic, talking about someone who had cut her wrists months before. It was pretty fucking depressing, and everyone cried except Bryce at the funeral, and now everyone knew what a piece of shit Bryce Walker was.

 _One more life ruined, another great surprise at Liberty High…_

"I… I thought we were friends. I don't know what I did to her to make her make one of these for me."

That was a lie.

A pretty bad lie if I do say so myself. Yet I think Tony bought it, thank God.

He put his hand on my shoulder. I think he was trying to help me out of my false sadness. I wasn't sad, it was more shocked that what had happened was digging itself out of it's grave. I'd put what had happened to rest months ago, the same moment everyone else tried to, but I couldn't do it as fast.

I know a few people couldn't do it immediately like Marcus, Bryce and Justin did, but it happened eventually. Yeah, I felt guilty as shit for what had happened, how could I not? Yet, I had to move on and so did everyone else. If we didn't, then how many more of us would have ended up like Hannah Baker herself?

If anything, that was what I was most surprised by. The fact that nobody else put a gun to their head and pulled the trigger like Alex did. I visited him in hospital and from what I heard he was still on life support. He was one of the few to handle some of the blame for what had happened, and for how he treated Hannah.

I had to admit, what would it be like? To put on some old clothes, get a razor, fill a bath and slice and slice until I was just like her. How would it affect people? Would it be noticed on the news? 'Three kids dead in mass suicide' I used to tell myself, how would it sound? I wouldn't doubt that Crestmont would be able to move on, it seemed to do so well enough when Hannah died and when Alex shot himself it was like nothing ever happened.

 _I had never visited Hannah's grave as often as I would have liked. Sometimes I was helping my sister with work, sometimes I was doing schoolwork and sometimes I was working at my own job. Occasionally it was doing a little community service to keep the good reputation I had around Crestmont and the rest I spent dicking around with some of the others._

 _I don't know why I spent so much time with them, when I knew what they were like when Bryce sent those pictures from Justin's phone. The event that started the downward spiral and started everything. I should have known something was wrong right then._

 _But I still didn't do anything._

 _What kind of person was I for not noticing the signs that Hannah was going through some deep shit?_

 _If Zach could see it, why couldn't I? Yeah, he had the guts to go up to her and ask her what was wrong and he got shouted down by Hannah._

 _That's a question I asked myself a lot. If he could do it, why couldn't I?_

Tony began to speak, pulling me out of my thoughts once more.

"If you need me, you can always call or text me. I'll be here for you every step of the way."

It was odd coming from Tony, the boy who I barely ever talked to. Yeah, he could have been a close friend like Clay was if I ever spent the time to talk to him. Yet, once more it was all about me and what I had to do.

I had to find out why I was on the tapes and what I did to be put on there.

I knew why I was on there, I just could not admit it to myself. The guilt and sadness would come flooding back. I knew it would.

"Can you..." I began.

"Leave? Sure, anything you need. Just make sure to call me when you've listened to the tapes. Cool?"

"That's cool. Thanks, Padilla."

"No problem, Ethan."

Tony shown himself out, and Eleanor waved and shouted goodbye from the door. I could hear the roar of his Mustang from my room, and it made my head spin how he had managed to get a car like that. It probably ended up costing a fortune.

Wandering into a spare room, I rummaged around looking for Dad's Walkman so I could hear these tapes that had been so kindly gifted to me. I did find it under a pile of old magazines and some old crap that hadn't been thrown in the bin soon enough. I took it to my room and placed in my own tape first.

Hearing that voice was like a fucking blast to the past.

" **What do I say about you, Ethan Turner?"**

 _ **X-X-X**_

 _ **Thanks for Reading!**_

 _ **-The One Real Italian Stallion**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: My Relationship**

 _ **Italics are for thoughts**_

 _ **Emboldened words are Hannah's Tape**_

 _ **X-X-X**_

 _Liberty High was meant to be a new start for me. For my sister and for my parents, that's what we were all thinking._

 _It turned out to be just like before. The only difference was that the place had changed but none of us had. Yeah, we still went to school and Mum and Dad still worked away from home instead of working from Crestmont. What do we get instead?_

 _Loneliness._

 _A shit home life._

 _The thing is, I shouldn't even be complaining about anything! I've got money, I've got cars and I've got everything I've ever asked for! If anything, I'm Bryce without being such a piece of shit! How fucked is that? I'm just like Bryce, I even have my own fucking tape! How impossibly fucked is that?_

 _Anyway, I joined Liberty just before Junior Year, where everyone was pretty friendly. Me and Eleanor were both new, and so was Hannah. Eleanor and Hannah and Cat were best friends, and I was kinda put on my lonesome until I met Bryce._

 _Until I met the Jocks._

 _It was chaos at first. Meeting new people, new girls at a new school in a new country. It was meant to be nerve-wracking, but making friends was easy enough when you're friends with Bryce Walker._

 _I knew everyone and everything about Crestmont, just by knowing one person. We were the richest bastards in the school, probably even in the little town. Yet, I knew me and Bryce weren't always meant to be friends. When I found out about what he did to Jessica and Hannah, I could never even look at him in the same way._

 _Ah, relationships. They can change on the flick of a dime. One day you could be best friends with someone and then the next you act like you don't even know them._

 _Did I really know Bryce? Did I really know Hannah? Did I really know anything?_

 _I always liked to think I did, that I knew everyone relatively well. I knew Jeff well before he kicked the bucket. I knew Hannah well before she slit her wrists and bled out. I knew Clay before he…_

 _I don't really know what happened to Clay. As soon as our years at Liberty High were complete, I never saw him save for one small occasion._

 _That occasion was not really that small._

 _We'll talk about that later._

 _Hannah and me, we were close. She and Eleanor were closer, they were the closest thing that best friends could be. Sometimes I was with them, but it was more Eleanor than me. She was always the better one at socialising, but she never socialised with Bryce, or Justin or any of the other jocks. That was my problem, I latched onto anyone I could so I never looked lonely or anti-social in a place were socialising was one of the most important things to be concerned about other than work._

 _Of course, I always would have Sheri at my side._

 _She was one of the few girls that I could talk to without being overly nervous. She was beautiful and smart, like anyone would expect of somebody on the cheerleading time, other than the smarts. That was something that stood out about Sheri. She was different from the crowd that she hung around with._

 _I first talked to her in the school library, when she was looking for a Cold War textbook that I had already taken. I thought that she'd just take it like anyone else in the school, which was what I had expected from almost everyone. Instead, she asked if I could sit down next to her and could help me as well as copy from the textbook that we ended up sharing._

 _From there, it became our secret meet-up. The occasional meeting in the library over some kind of boring History textbook. Soon, it became a little more, meeting in the lunch hall for the chat at break and lunch time every few days. Then it became meetings before and after school, going to Monet's for the occasional coffee and food before walking each other home._

 _I never actually thought a girl like her would go for a guy like me._

 _There were clearly so many other boys that were clearly better than me, better at everything except in the instrument, driving and money department and even then I doubted myself when I should not have._

 _Yet, she still wanted to be with me. I was shocked when we both asked each other at the same time, shocked enough to ask her again at the same time twice in a row. Cue the occasional awkward silence and soon we could both speak without the other shouting over them. We were outside of her house, and the moment that we asked and before she went inside, I gave her a hug before waving goodbye as I walked myself home._

 _Yet, it seemed that even though everything seemed perfect, I just could not keep my perfect run going. It was just like I had predicted._

 _I was never perfect, and I'll never say that I am. I just cannot say something like that when I have my own flaws like everybody else._

 _The parties, the stress, the exams, everything that came with being a teenager just crashes down on us like an insane ocean of hormones that hits boys and girls like a freight train._

 _That is not an excuse for how I acted. I was an idiot, and everyone had told me that I was an idiot. I made a mistake, to both Sheri and Hannah. There were things I should have and should not have done, but still did them anyway._

 _Yeah, kill me for being an idiot._

 _Kill me for being a stupid boy without a single unselfish thought in his head._

 _I was a teenager that drank five energy drinks in the morning, took pills in the morning to keep my anxiety and OCD under control. It all takes an effect, one moment I'm bouncing off the wall and putting my vinyl collection back to front and alphabetical order. Then after that I'm as slow as a tortoise, crawling about because the caffeine has worn off and the pills are taking effect and now the OCD is under control and now my vinyls are upside down and back to front._

 _I keep saying to myself and to those who know me well enough: 'I was an idiot and I wish I wasn't'._

 _I am an idiot, I always have been and I always will be._

 _I had to determine, how to make life bearable. I had to try and kick the caffeine and the pills, to learn how to ignore the voices that say to put the vinyls back to front and in alphabetical order. I always thought I was in control._

 _After Hannah's suicide, I realised everything in my life was never under any kind of control._

 _Control is just an idea, and what happens when something does some kind of action? Something reacts._

 _It's called the Butterfly Effect. Where a butterfly could flap it's wings in the west and cause a hurricane in the east._

 _For us, Hannah was the butterfly, and everyone else were the victims of the hurricane that was coming. We were swarming, not knowing what to do about what was happening, what the tapes meant and what Hannah got out of making them. Was it some kind of sick joke? Was she watching through secret cameras, laughing as everyone worried about who's secret would be let out first?_

 _That was doubtful, she was six feet underground and I was above her in the great game of life._

 _Those tapes…_

 _Those fucking tapes…_

 _They ruined us all. Me, Zach, Sheri, Jessica, and Bryce more than anyone. I'm not defending Bryce, it was his fault for being a rapist. Who else was to blame? Hannah? Yeah, she made the tapes but she was a victim of the bullshit school students that spread shit about her every day._

 _That was not my fault._

 _She even said on the tapes, I should not have been on the tapes at all. I wouldn't have been if it wasn't for that fucking stupid summer party after school had ended. If it wasn't for that party, none of this would have happened._

 _If it wasn't for any of us, Hannah would not have fourteen reasons as to why she fucking killed herself._

 _I couldn't stand watching her coffin being slowly lowered into the ground. I tried not to cry, and it seemed like I would have been one of the few to not be crying crocodile tears. Some of the people there did not talk to Hannah at all, didn't even know who she was._

 _I was crying, soon enough. I could not help myself, there was no way to control it._

 _She was one of my friends, she was one of Eleanor's friends._

 _And now she was dead._

 _Because of me._

 _ **X-X-X**_

The moment I heard Hannah's voice, it was like a blast from the past. There was nothing I could compare hearing her voice to. It was like hearing the voice of an angel for the first time. It was amazing, I felt like crying tears of pure happiness but then the tap grounded me from doing so, and instead those tears of happiness turned out to be tears of pure anger and sadness.

" **Ethan Turner, what can I even say about you?"**

"Nothing… Hannah, I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to..." I whispered. 

" **We were friends, best friends. We were more than best friends, weren't we Ethan? At one point you told me we were like family. I thought that I had more than one friend in this shithole of a town. Clay, Cat, Eleanor and you. I thought that you of all people, the one who told me that I was family to him, would ever betray me."**

" **But, it still happened, didn't it? The moment after that stupid part just when school had ended for the summer. I never thought it would happen, but it did anyway. I was scared, and so were you. We had no clue what we were doing and we both made mistakes, yet we both knew we should not have done it."**

" **You're one of two people who should not have been on these tapes. You and Clay, although I may sound like I really make it you. It isn't. If anything, it was my fault as well. Everyone on these tapes did something wrong, and although it may have been accidental or on purpose, it was still us."**

" **But what you did hurt somebody else as well. Not just me, it wasn't just me that was betrayed by you. You hurt Sheri, she was your girlfriend and I don't know how you could do that to someone who you claim to have loved so much."**

" **You cheated on her. You cheated on Sheri, with me who was so stupid to have done something like that to you. I thought that I was better than that, that you were better than that but clearly we weren't."  
**

I always knew I was in the wrong.

That fucking party was the death knell of the school, the last words of a rotting community that knew what it had done to a girl who had just wanted a friend and the bullying to stop.

That's all Hannah had wanted, and I should have been the one to stop it. To punch the fuck out of Montgomery whenever he started shit in the halls because nobody else would. The one to shut Bryce down with a snappy quip about him having a tiny dick and nobody to fuck it with.

Oh, the irony of that statement.

I knew what I did with Hannah was wrong. We both did, fucking about because of teenage stupidity was the biggest mistake that we could have ever made.

I never knew that Hannah had something for me, I thought it was Clay. I thought she loved Clay and would do it to him instead of me. I have to live with the fact that I betrayed one of the few people who love me, and the one girl that I possibly could have saved.

And what do I do instead of paying attention to her problems and telling someone?

You guessed it. I went and fucked her.

I…

I did something, possibly one of the worst things I could have ever imagined myself doing and I can't even live with myself because of it. I can't imagine fucking over another person like that, not again, not after I did it twice in a damn row.

" **I thought we were family, but apparently we were more than that. I thought about it occasionally, what it would like to be Sheri, what it would be like to be your girlfriend. Sometimes I would even dream about it, but other times I just wished to be a part of your family. To be known as Turner and not Baker. I thought about what it would be like to be you, to be rich and popular with everyone."**

" **You made me feel good, you made me feel like I was wanted. I felt like I had someone to know, to talk to. Yet, I knew we couldn't do anything more than just that one night. I felt like I cared, like I really did matter to someone. I wanted it to be more, to be yours. If I couldn't have you, and if Clay never liked me, what was I worth to anyone?"**

" **Nothing. I would have been worth nothing. Although, I always knew that you were one of the few that never hated me and always saw me as a friend when you shouldn't have. You were one of the few that always stood by me when nobody else would. You, Tony and Eleanor. You were my friends."**

" **But clearly we both thought it was more when it shouldn't have been."**

She was so right, she'd hit the nail on the head and she didn't even know it.

Yet she was blaming herself for something that was utterly my fault, it was more my fault than hers. I took advantage of her, when she was clearly in a position to be manipulated. Yet she came on to me and I didn't want to make her feel even more shit. I couldn't hurt her any more than what everyone else had ever done.

But us realising we could not work was so painful, I almost wanted to follow in Hannah's footsteps.

I loved her, and I loved Sheri as well. I knew I couldn't love them both but I had thought that if I at least helped Hannah feel like she was loved then maybe it could be something better but I was wrong.

Sheri never found out, she never heard my tape. I burnt it as soon as this part of my life was over. It was something that was holding me back, although I would never forget it. I hated myself for doing it, but I was doing it for her. I was doing it for Hannah, because I thought it would help.

I was misguided and I thought that what I was doing was right, but it wasn't. I cheated on Sheri for someone who had killed herself and documented every reason as to why she did it, and apparently I was just one of those reasons.

"Hannah… you came on to me. It was before Bryce… before he did what he did. It wasn't my fault, but, I wanted to make you happy. That was all I wanted, Hannah."

" **But it was too much for us, wasn't it? Too much for you and too much for me? I should never have put you in that situation and now look at you? I'm dead and you have your own tape that you really shouldn't have. But this has to be heard, because you were one of the two parts that really made me consider about not doing what has already happened."**

" **But I loved every moment of it, and you and me, I think we could have been something when I look back on it. I'm recording this, just before I do what I have to do."**

" **All in all, Ethan. I thought we were family like you said we were, but clearly we both saw it as more than that. I loved you, and I think you loved me too. I know you loved Sheri and the likelihood is that she'll never hear this tape. That is your choice, and this is a choice that you have to make."**

" **I cannot force you to choose what to do, Ethan. Not like I forced you into what happened that night. Yet, what happened was the best thing to happen to me, it was what made me feel like I was loved and cherished by somebody else. Maybe what happened could have been different. Maybe you could have had me and Sheri, maybe you could have just had me."**

" **I guess what I am trying to say is, you really meant the world to me. You were a person that never looked at me like I was a slut, or an attention seeker, but you saw me for me. I loved you, no scratch that, I do love you. I love your sister, I love your family, Ethan. You were so kind to me, helping me when I needed it. You and Eleanor, you were my friends, but to me Ethan, like you said, you were my family too."**

" **This is it, Ethan. I love you, so so much. God, I love you. Goodbye."**

The moment that tape ended, I looked as if I had been broken in two, and that was exactly how I felt. I couldn't move a bone in my body. It may very well have been impossible for me to do a thing at all. I didn't even know how to feel. I looked at my room, the instruments, posters, shelves, toys and video games that had once been a safe haven for a girl that I once considered more than a friend and more than a family.

I… I loved her. I honestly loved her.

And I can't even live with myself.

 _Now you all know why I'm on those damn tapes._

 _You might hate me, think I'm a filthy good for nothing cheating teenager that did one of the worst things to Hannah. You might think I was just being stupid and that's probably what is the most truthful thing to call me._

 _A stupid fucking idiot._

I opened the drawer in my desk and opened the silver tin, looking at the weed inside it.

 _I'll let you guess what happened next._

 _ **X-X-X**_

 _ **Thanks for reading.**_

 _ **-The Real Italian Stallion**_


End file.
